A kind great uncle recently took the trouble to find me and pass on some family papers. These included pictures of two grandparents I never knew: my paternal grandfather, who died when I was two, and my grandmother, his wife, who died when my father was eight.
There were also two letters.
One from my grandfather in 1939, just after his wife had died. The words of a strong, honest man coming to terms with his pain and groping for the strength to go out and minister to his parishioners. Which he did for the next twenty years.
One from my parents at Christmas 1986. This was a routine, chatty update including the throwaway line: "William only had a couple of days off over Christmas, this year, so so he didn't come up from Reading and we weren't enlivened by the patter of grandchildren's feet."
That was the year my first marriage broke up. Does it show that I wasn't trying hard enough at home and taking refuge in work? Or that I was lost and dazed? Bit of both.
How can I compare the tragedy of a marriage torn apart by a horrible lung disease and my own grubby misery? Although cursed by events, Harold was blessed with a clear mission and the resolve to see it through. He conquered his grief and carried on with a life of meaning.
I drifted.
Compare the steely focus in the first picture above with the vacant gaze from the scruffy stripling below.
I feel (a) resolution coming on.
I think the best point of contrast between the two photos is in the collars; the (great)grandfather's rounded one folded neatly in, while yours looks like it's been used to pick you up with...maybe that's how they got you sitting on that stool??
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking a bit about resolutions recently - I concocted a few of them when we were at midnight mass. Most of them had implicit (or explicit) monthly triggers, and as I get near the end of January the guilt starts creeping in...I don't know what it is that makes it difficult to do, but inertia and having just enough other things to distract yourself with seem to rein in all these ambitions.
Your post reminded me of this article by Chris Mullin (a wise MP, who I always think belongs in the early 1980s?) about how to be a new MP. I tried finding it just now, but the internet on the train is about as quick as...something very slow...Anyway, I will try and dig it up for you. It struck me that it can probably apply to all of us. Activity levels always look absurd next to what we actually achieve, and are almost never aimed at the things we know will really matter. I think everyone feels small when they look back...but maybe the further away you get, the smaller you feel.
What's the resolution (s?)?
Txx
PS - I've found the perfect procrastination technique: exams about to crank up, lots of work to do, oodles of friends and family I can barely seem to keep in touch with....and I'm starting 'War and Peace'. Sorted. Ambition in aid of nothing - that's what we like. ;)
Thanks,Toby.
ReplyDeleteThis is a classic strategy. The great John Perry put it better than I could at structuredprocrastination.com.
As for the shocking violence done to my collar...well, those were more robust times.
More to the point, is that chain mail you're wearing there? I should think it's rather hard to get a starched shirt to sit neatly over a suit of armour.
ReplyDeleteMama never liked me playing with the rough boys...
ReplyDelete